Jiu-Jitsu Deprivation Syndrome
Dr. Meaty
Jiu-Jitsu Deprivation Syndrome (JJDS) is a collection of physical and emotional symptoms related to the lack of Jiu-Jitsu training. Up to 85% of Jiu-Jitsu practitioners (Jits Players) suffer some form of JJDS in differing degrees depending on their level of dependency to Jiu-Jitsu. The 15% of Jits Players who do not suffer any form of JJDS whatsoever are termed “Jits Posers” and can easily be identified by their prolific display of “Tap Out” gear and merchandise.
JJDS symptoms include tension, headache, nausea, irritability, anxiety, lack of focus, depression, restlessness, insomnia, weight gain, aggression, bloating, rage, overeating, paranoia, and insanity.
JJDS if untreated may result in diabetes, heart disease, cancer, and death.
Fortunately, though there is no known cure, JJDS is easily treated with some mat time (MT). MT usually consists of Jiu-Jitsu based drills and exercise followed by lots and lots of rolling. Treatment per visit usually lasts about two hours. Fewer and less severe symptoms result as the use and frequency of MT is increased. Once a regularly scheduled treatment of MT is in place, symptoms can be easily managed to the point where Jits Players can blend in with “normal” people. Please be advised that MT may have some side effects that include cauliflower ear, hyper extended joints, fractures, cuts, bruises, ring worm, and loss of consciousness.
Those suffering from JJDS should consult a BJJ black belt and find the nearest Jiu-Jitsu training facility immediately. Until symptoms have been managed JJDS sufferers should avoid operating heavy machine guns; consumption of alcohol, donuts, and pork; and any social interaction involving non-Jits Players, especially loved ones, pregnant women, small children, pets, clowns, fast food restaurant employees, and midgets.
